Altruism Debunked before coffee brews

Altruism debunked.
Per the Merriam-Webster dictionary--
Altruism -
1: unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others
2: behavior by an animal that is not beneficial to or may be harmful to itself but that benefits others of its species

OK, get up. Go make put a pot of coffee on. Before the coffee is done, we will have debunked altruism here.
Go ahead, I'll wait.
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OK, now that you're back lets get this done.
Altruism is the unselfish regard for the welfare of others as you just read in the definition. Unselfish, that is to say you put others above yourself. So, to live virtuously with an altruistic ethos, you must be more concerned with others than yourself. That sounds good doesn't it? Can we get a care bear hug? Awwwww.
But, if you enjoy helping others, isn't that selfish? Are you helping them because you like to? Why, you selfish bastard! All you care about is your own happiness! Thats right, if you are helping people because it makes you feel good about yourself you are being selfish. Therefore, you can not help people because you want to if you are being altruistic. You must look to help people whom it doesn't make you happy to help. That way you can feel indifferent about it. Oh wait, but in the second part of the definition we see “is not beneficial, or may be harmful” as part of altruism. Shucks, that means even though you feel indifferently about helping someone, it had better not benefit you! In fact, it could be harmful to you and THAT would be in line with the definition.
So, to be of the utmost virtue, and that is what we strive for is it not? To be virtuous? (if you aren't striving to be virtuous regardless of your particular ethos, then why do you even live? Seriously?) You must then help those that would be harmful to you, since that is the antithesis of selfishness; helping someone else, while causing yourself harm. So, helping your enemy to kill you is the MOST virtuous thing you can do. So, if you are an altruist, I am your enemy. Therefore, you MUST destroy yourself. Go ahead, Ill wait..........
Whats that, you want to know how? My goodness, there are a brazillion ways to do it, gun, pills, acid, razor..... But I am a merciful person, you can just sit there in self reflection and analyze your own philosophy, until such time as you come up with no contradictions. And of course to be most helpful to me, you will keep your mouth shut and your fingers from a keyboard until such time as you have completed enough of your own introspection to remove all hypocrisies from your thought process. (ask Immanuel Kant how that worked out for him.)

So, coffee done yet? Cause I am!
So, grab yourself a cup and sit back and read how you can REALLY help people, and find out why selfishness IS a virtue.

Selfishness, that is to say RATIONAL self intrest (I do not deal with the irrational, but more on that at a later date) is the only virtue one need strive for. Let us take a look at the above statements about altruism and why you would be selfish for enjoying helping someone.
If you enjoy helping someone, good for you! I mean that (unfortunately, sarcasm does not have its own font, so I must go on to say I really mean that, good for you). That is selfish. You are helping someone because it brings you happiness, and making yourself happy is selfish. It is in your own rational self interest to make yourself happy. OK, other than those emo dorks, but that delves into the irrational.... I would hazard to guess that any rational person seeks to be happy. It is also selfish to provide for yourself. After all, you are thinking of yourself first, and doing whatever it takes to provide; farming, hunting, working at a job to earn a currency with which to trade for those things you need, want and in general make you happy. That is rational self interest.
“What”, you may ask “About a parent that gives up anything and everything for their children? That is selfless.” I hate to debunk that thought process in less time than it takes to drink a cup of coffee, but if I must.... It is of rational self interest to the parent to do what they need to do to help their children because.... wait for it......here it comes.... their children's' success brings them (the parents) happiness. TA DA! Likewise with wives, husbands, so on and so forth.
It is a very simple equation, with some extremely important variables to determine whether or not to help someone. It is as follows:
amount of enjoyment from helping someone + value of the person to me – (minus) amount of effort expended = probability of my helping someone.
Let us look at the constituents of this equation individually.
Amount of enjoyment: If it is going to be something I utterly HATE doing, the other portions of the equation had better be things (people) I really like, otherwise it ain't gonna happen.
Value of the person: Is it a stranger that I do not know? A friend that has earned my respect? A close buddy that has many shared experiences? My wife? All of those have a value to me in increasing amount as listed. Or more generically, how much do you care about the person that you are helping?
Amount of effort. Is it an easy task? Dirty? Does it involve maggots in the garbage? Is it simply picking up a piece of paper?
Probability of helping: yeah, if you need an explanation to this, you're a dumb ass.
So let us take a look at a concrete example to the abstract concept behind this equation.
I am driving down the road in the early evening, it is not yet sunset, but it is getting close. A person is on the side of the road with a broken down car, a flat tire let us say. And I am in no hurry to get anywhere.
So, the amount of enjoyment in this example? Meh, kinda high, I like fixing things.
Value of person? Not so high, I don't know them after all. They could be a dumb ass.
Amount of effort? Not a lot, changing a flat is fairly easy.
So the probability of my helping? not so bad.
We can change some variables there to change the outcome. Let us say it is someone I know, but who has talked bad about me (I know, someone talking bad about me, perish the thought!). Their value to me is significantly less, and therefore, I probably wont help. Make it a close buddy, and Ill drive halfway across the country to change a tire. Make it my wife, and well...all the other variables can approach infinite and Ill still help.
All of this is selfish. I am thinking about what I will have to accomplish, what it will cost me in time, effort, expenditure of resources, etc. While at the same time calculating the return, my own happiness. (Since I have willingly tied my own happiness to that of my wifes, you can see why the other variables can reach such high magnitudes!)

This is NOT however as Cheryl Crow put it “If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad”.
Bear in mind I said RATIONAL self interest. And in being rational, there can be no contradictions. You can not say that it is selfish to steal from someone, without saying that it is OK to steal from you. You can not say it is OK to murder someone without saying that it is OK for you to be murdered. So on and so forth. Nature does not allow for contradictions. Period. (why do people say that? Theres a period right THERE!)
You are your own most important possession. Yes, you own yourself. Doubt that? Then who exactly DOES own you? And if it is not you, then let me know who owns you. Id like to rent you out for some manual labor at my house! So as the owner of yourself, Liberty is the greatest tool for your own self preservation. No one else owns you, therefore you have the Liberty to live your life. Likewise with all other people, they have the Liberty to live their lives. So, if you were to do something to infringe upon someones liberty, you are saying, through your actions, if not words, that it is acceptable to remove your Liberty, including the Liberty to do the very thing you are doing to take someones else's Liberty.
yeah, thats a mouthful, let us look at a concrete example. You are a farmer. You want more crops, therefore you feel you have the Liberty to farm someone else's land. Well, in so doing you are saying that it is OK for someone to take your Liberties, so they cut off your arms so you can no longer farm someone else's land. Not exactly in your self interest is it? On the other hand, the selfish thing to do is, farm your land as best as possible, respecting others rights to their land. In so doing peace and harmony can ensue. Everybody sing Kumbaya! Your arms will be intact, your neighbors will not mutilate you, and you will have as many crops as your efforts, intelligence, and overall productiveness can produce. Sure, you can ask for help from your friends, and if they go through the equation themselves, they might just help out! After all, the more beets you grow, the more currency you can obtain, and then the more radishes you can purchase from me, provided you're not an ass hat.

So there we have it. The end result of altruism is destroying yourself. The end result of rational self interest is singing kumbaya with your neighbors over beets and radishes.
Have a selfish day!